relapse

As 2020 winds down, I have been ferociously beating myself up that I haven’t been able to remain sober continuously since I decided to start this alcohol free journey in April. I’ve fallen. A lot. And recently.

This week I was getting upset because I would like to look back on 2020 as the year I quit drinking alcohol. And I’m realizing it still was. Every time I’ve slid back into drinking doesn’t discount all the times I chose not to drink. So at the close of this year, I step back and count all the alcohol free moments I am grateful for.

I am grateful for visiting my family for two weeks and being able to be fully present in every moment, without my brain occupied on when I can have the next drink. To be clear the entire time, not struggling with a hangover and knowing that I gave my best in every moment. 

I am grateful for falling in love sober. Being vulnerable. Being present. Being clear. Being fully myself. And fully enjoying someone, not having to drink alcohol to be able to enjoy them.

I am grateful for a sober camping trip where I woke up clear and early every morning to jump in the lake, hangover free. 

I am grateful for my first social gathering sober, enjoying myself, remembering everything, and knowing when it was time to go. 

I am grateful for my first dance party sober, being able to lose myself in the moment, and be able remember every conversation and connection. 

I am grateful for every morning this year I’ve woken up without a hangover, which far, far, far outnumbers the last ten years put together. 

I am grateful for sober sex and feeling fully present for it, remembering it all.

I am grateful for all the times I went out to eat with friends and ordered a non alcoholic drink, and fully enjoyed my evening, knowing I was present and able to give my best instead of sliding into numbness and drunkenness. 

I am grateful for every day I didn’t automatically start drinking at 5 o clock, just because that’s what I did.

I’m grateful for the new habits I’ve created, and for all the work I’ve put in to create those new habits. 

I am grateful for every uncomfortable moment when I would have normally grabbed a drink, and I’m starting to learn to lean into those moments, and actually learn from them. 

I am grateful for not drinking after a fight with my mom, when I normally would have drank to deal, instead I learned from it and grew. 

I am grateful for the clarity to step away from time sucking clients, instead of drinking to numb (prolong) the stress from work. 

I am grateful for focusing on my own life and happiness instead of getting caught up in the coronavirus drama and continuing to use it as an excuse to drink. 

I am grateful for every moment of clarity and presence.

All these moments aren’t gone or erased by a couple drinks here and there. All I can do is brush it off and create more wonderful, beautiful moments of presence and clarity in the coming year.